My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
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So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
*launders Kohls cash*
The Struggle
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.