Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
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wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost