“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
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During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
i wish we could shoplift online
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
when there are deer in the woods
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.