Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
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I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.