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me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!