Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
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Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?