You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
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*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders