Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.