Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
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“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*