Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.