Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
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She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.