Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
The Joker was right
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.