Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
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DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Yup
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.