I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW