AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
new career option?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
How it started How it’s going
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”