ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
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Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.