INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.