Become a minion. Get that bread.
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You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.