didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
There’s never enough good news
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman