Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
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My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Goodnight 🐶
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.