“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time