I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
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Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?