[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
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my father died in a conga line and so shall i
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.