not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
there has never been a better use of this meme
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.