[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
All generalizations are stupid.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*