Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
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Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting