Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
You Might Also Like
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Sell your car
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?