Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
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*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die