New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
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[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”