No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
You Might Also Like
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Mouse
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.