[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we鈥檙e a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It鈥檚 pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 馃ぃ
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I鈥檓 quitting modelling, I need more job security so I鈥檓 going to become a princess.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they鈥檙e just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.