Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
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Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Flock of bats
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.