People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA