Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
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Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
nature’s most graceful animal
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.