Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
why am I working on Labor Day
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.