booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?