A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story