Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Our lord and savoury.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.