I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
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Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
What fresh Hell is this?!?
japanese corn
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I am yelling
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Customer is always right