gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
You Might Also Like
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables