Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
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Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!