Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?