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Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.