Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
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Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
*offers Batman cough drops*
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”