Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
You Might Also Like
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
at ease…shoulder.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
You wish you had this many chins.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.