“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
*pronounces UPS like yoops
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.