It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
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MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Think I pulled my liver
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I feel seen.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
PLOT TWIST:
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
This has made my week.