A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
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fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*