Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
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scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Wait a second…
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
He wanted to make sure😂
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
we’re gonna need another temp
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough