sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.